Magenta Justifed Destruction

I was 15 years old.
I honestly can't say I remember much about what happened that night,

My entire body was shaking as I walked through the doors.
They took my bag and went through my things to make sure I didn't have anything that wasn't allowed to. Knives, razors, pills. They took the metal scanner and had me lift my arms, take off my shoes, check my socks. These guys put the TSA to shame.

I was brought into a back room with a computer and the old woman told me to sit down.
I had to keep reminding myself to breathe twisting my ring around my finger.
She kept asking me questions.
"Do you smoke? Drink? How often? Cutting? what with? Do you burn yourself? Suicidal thoughts? Have you ever made a plan?"

All questions I hated saying yes to...  Everything I had just confessed to my parents only a few hours before....
They returned to me some of my clothes, what they approved as safe, and took away my shoes and a few of my belongings, most of my jewelry and my belts and headbands.
They led me into a room. It was cold and everything was hard like a normal hospital room. There were no places where you could hide anything in there, everything was out in the open. I was given a book of many of the rules in there. "No swearing, Clothes must cover all scars, Respect staff direction, No touching." I filled out all of the paperwork and turned it into one of the nurses. 6 am. We can leave our rooms. I had been able to hear the kids next door to me for the past half hour already.

A small little red headed girl looks at me and smiles "Hey, what's your name?"
I try to think...
What is my name?
I'm not really sure... I can't figure it out.

"Magenta."

It came out of me involuntarily. I wasn't sure why I'd said it, but somehow it seemed so true, so real. I knew it was the right answer.

Magenta is the demon always trying to eat her way out. She's  destructive and manipulative. She will destroy everything and everyone around her without a second thought for the consequences. Selfish and deceiving she'll make you feel like her destruction is a healthy way to cope with the trials the creates in the world around her. Yes, she is justified in some of her resentments and not everything that she deals with is caused by her own self loathing. But she tends to dig herself into a hole of hatred and despair only hoping for salvation in suffering.

I spent years trying to destroy Magenta. I committed suicide through her in order to build the girl I am today. Only one girl can live in this body but it needs to be the girl that can do it without destroying herself from the inside out.
Magenta isn't fully gone. Her ghost still lives inside of me. Sometimes I can feel her trying to climb out of the prison inside of me through the scars that masquerade as prison bars. But she isn't allowed out because I know that all she can bring to our world is destruction.

The girl you see before you can change the world and build it up instead of trying to break it down. It took 3 years for her to grow into who she is and now here she is standing before you today and she's stronger because of it.





XOXO
Riah